Old Hymn & New Her

I've spent a great deal of time this last week praying for God's help to deal with anxiety.  I started taking low doses of anxiety and depression meds a couple years ago.  Usually I take them for a few months and then get off them when life calms down.  This year I've been on them more than I've been off.  This bothers me.  

 I started taking them when the gastroenterologist said that my acid reflux and abdominal pain were caused by anxiety.  Physical ailments were ruled out by exams, X-rays, and an upper GI scope.

Anxiety?!  Me, a girl who has a blessed life?!  Me, a child of God?!

At least it was a relief to know I didn't have an ulcer or abdominal cancer.

I handled this news by making jokes about taking my "crazy pills".

The crazy pills helped me most at night so, contrary to the doctor's orders, I started taking them just before I went to bed.  For the first time in life I went right to sleep without the obligatory hour of tossing, turning, and Tums.  Now THAT'S how I spell relief!  C.R.A.Z.Y.  P.I.L.L.S.!




(I've always disliked the period of time between laying down in bed and falling asleep.  That's when I'm most vulnerable to attacks of fear and anxiety.  I remembered how Mom made me memorize Bible verses about fear.  When I would cry because I didn't want her to leave the room, she would make me say those verses.  On particularly bad nights she'd also make my teddy bear Herbert sing or dance or whatever it took to make me laugh.  But that's a story for another time.)

Humor and medication can't cover up a heart issue for long.  I began to evaluate my life based on the diagnosis of anxiety and I came to the realization that I'm a chronic worrier.  I'm a slave to fear.

The things that have me tied up in knots right now are just the small things in life like, "Where will I sleep at night?" How will we pay our bills? What happens after I get my last teacher paycheck and last month of good health insurance in August?  What will I do without my laptop?  What if this is my last summer off?  What if I'll be forced to work some meaningless job for very little pay.  What if I'm miserable?!  What if Brett's miserable?!  What if we never have careers with security and adequate pay?  What if we can't have children?  What if we do have children and I have to keep working?  What if, instead of coming home to our quiet, country house, I get to hole-up in stinky, cramped apartment for a year or two while we HOPE things will get better.

What if bitterness and frustration eats me alive???  

What if something truly catastrophic happens?  I can't handle everyday stresses so would a tragedy render me catatonic?

Am I like a caged animal in my own life, unable to reason and think and calmly face trouble?


Fear, played-out in my mind, ends in tears, anger, anxiety, and, more recently, panic attacks.  (I see myself more clearly now and the ugliness breaks my heart.)

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Earlier this spring there was a prayer and healing service at our church.  One of the last issues prayed for was fear.  Dad said, "I feel like God is telling me to pray for people struggling with fear.  If you are burdened by a spirit of fear please come and let your pastors pray for you."  I went to the front and kneeled next to others who battle anxiety.  Dad prayed over us that God would deliver us from that spirit of fear, and that we would be freed to live a life of purpose.

I haven't been able to shake that prayer.  I've felt the Holy Spirit drawing my mind back to that prayer over and over again.



Also this spring, I had terrible asthma and allergy trouble.  One afternoon in June, after a particularly scary asthma incident, I realized why the albuterol wasn't working.  I was having a panic attack!

I always thought panic attacks were for attention-seekers and those with post-traumatic stress disorder, but there I was laying on the floor (so I wouldn't hurt myself if I passed out) and praying for help, when it hit me!

I believe God helped me put the pieces together.  I started thinking about the moments before these asthma attacks and I realized that they were almost all preceded by worry over our circumstances.   I had asthma and allergy problems too, but they were made worse by anxiety.

God's been working on me all summer in the area of faith vs. fear.  Earlier this week I woke up with the last verse of the old hymn "Love Lifted Me" on my mind.

And I didn't think much of it.  It's not uncommon for me to find myself singing a song I haven't even thought about in 20 years.  But then I thought about the words.  I thought about how an asthma attack feels: helpless to catch my breath, the feeling of gasping for air.  I thought about the words to the old hymn and envisioned struggling in the thrashing waves and choking on icy water of a raging sea.  I saw the storm with new clarity; it was the pain and chaos of a fearful mind.

I remembered the story of Jesus and the disciples on the Sea of Galilee.  A powerful storm ravaged their small boat (while Jesus slept) and everyone else on board was afraid for their lives.  When they woke up Jesus He was very angry at their lack of faith.  He yelled at the storm and scolded his men.  I thought about what Jesus would say to me as He looked down and saw me floundering in the ocean of my own fear.  My heart broke for my faithlessness.

But then I thought about the words of the song again.  "He's the master of the sea, billows His will obey.  He your Savior wants to be.  Be saved today!"                                                                                                                                          I can't calm the waves.  I can't make the storm go away.  I can't break the spirit of fear the grips me. And that's because I'M NOT THE SAVIOR!  I can't provide for myself a trouble-free life. But I can let the troubles be God's problem and trust Him to author a GOOD life's story for me.  I can trust Him to care for the things I need, just as he does the lilies of the field and the birds of the air.  

     “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how       they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his         glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so             wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire         tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little               faith? “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What       will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of         unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs."             Matthew 6:28-32

I felt convicted to fast that day for deliverance from a spirit of fear.  I tried to shake off the feeling, but, two bites into my yogurt, I had to put the spoon down.

In my prayer and Bible reading time I asked the Lord to deliver me.  I prayed that He would give me the faith I need to trust Him and to quit trying to manage things myself.  As I fought in prayer the Lord began to bring resolution and hope to some of the things I'd been struggling with.  No kidding!  I mean I was praying and my phone was BLOWING UP!  Emails, phone calls, text message, etc. I got an email asking me to participate in a phone interview, and calls, emails and texts about people wanting to rent the house.  I was overwhelmed with joy when my prayer time was over and I checked my phone.  I couldn't believe the outpouring of the Holy Spirit in bringing these good things at the SAME TIME I laid my burdens down.  WOW!

To add to the lesson on fear and faith, the worship songs I planned and sermons Dad and Dave wrote were about fear!  I know God has a singular message for me right now: have faith, not fear.  Have trust, not anxiety.  Have peace, not panic.

I'm working very hard to learn this lesson.  It's a moment by moment struggle, but I know my God is bigger than life's storms.  And I am OVERJOYED when I think of how showed me love and mercy this week.  I hope to one day experience deliverance from a spirit of fear.

When I couldn't breath, "Love Lifted Me"!