Verses for Becky...

...2 Days Before My 36th Birthday

Peace

Isaiah 25:1
O Lord, I will honor and praise Your name, for You are my God.  You do such wonderful things! You planned them long ago, and now you have accomplished them.

Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in You, all whose thoughts are fixed on You.

Isaiah 26:12
Lord, You will grant us peace; all we have accomished is really from You.


Righteousness & Repentance (or the lack thereof)

Isaiah 26:7
But for those who are righteous, the way is not steep and rough.  You are a God who does what is right, and you smooth out the path ahead of them.

Isaiah 26:8
Lord, we show our trust in You by obeying your laws; our heart's desire is to glorify Your name.

Isaiah 26:10
Your kindness to the wicked does not make them do good.  Although others do right, the wicked keep doing wrong and take no notice of teh Lord's majesty.

Isaiah 26:16-18
Lord, in distress we searched for You.  We prayed beneath the burden of Your discipline.  Just as a pregnant woman writhes and cries out as she gives birth, so were we in Your presence, Lord.  We, too, writhe in agony, but nothing comes of our suffering.  We have not given salvation to the earth, nor brought life into the world.

Old Hymn & New Her

I've spent a great deal of time this last week praying for God's help to deal with anxiety.  I started taking low doses of anxiety and depression meds a couple years ago.  Usually I take them for a few months and then get off them when life calms down.  This year I've been on them more than I've been off.  This bothers me.  

 I started taking them when the gastroenterologist said that my acid reflux and abdominal pain were caused by anxiety.  Physical ailments were ruled out by exams, X-rays, and an upper GI scope.

Anxiety?!  Me, a girl who has a blessed life?!  Me, a child of God?!

At least it was a relief to know I didn't have an ulcer or abdominal cancer.

I handled this news by making jokes about taking my "crazy pills".

The crazy pills helped me most at night so, contrary to the doctor's orders, I started taking them just before I went to bed.  For the first time in life I went right to sleep without the obligatory hour of tossing, turning, and Tums.  Now THAT'S how I spell relief!  C.R.A.Z.Y.  P.I.L.L.S.!




(I've always disliked the period of time between laying down in bed and falling asleep.  That's when I'm most vulnerable to attacks of fear and anxiety.  I remembered how Mom made me memorize Bible verses about fear.  When I would cry because I didn't want her to leave the room, she would make me say those verses.  On particularly bad nights she'd also make my teddy bear Herbert sing or dance or whatever it took to make me laugh.  But that's a story for another time.)

Humor and medication can't cover up a heart issue for long.  I began to evaluate my life based on the diagnosis of anxiety and I came to the realization that I'm a chronic worrier.  I'm a slave to fear.

The things that have me tied up in knots right now are just the small things in life like, "Where will I sleep at night?" How will we pay our bills? What happens after I get my last teacher paycheck and last month of good health insurance in August?  What will I do without my laptop?  What if this is my last summer off?  What if I'll be forced to work some meaningless job for very little pay.  What if I'm miserable?!  What if Brett's miserable?!  What if we never have careers with security and adequate pay?  What if we can't have children?  What if we do have children and I have to keep working?  What if, instead of coming home to our quiet, country house, I get to hole-up in stinky, cramped apartment for a year or two while we HOPE things will get better.

What if bitterness and frustration eats me alive???  

What if something truly catastrophic happens?  I can't handle everyday stresses so would a tragedy render me catatonic?

Am I like a caged animal in my own life, unable to reason and think and calmly face trouble?


Fear, played-out in my mind, ends in tears, anger, anxiety, and, more recently, panic attacks.  (I see myself more clearly now and the ugliness breaks my heart.)

---

Earlier this spring there was a prayer and healing service at our church.  One of the last issues prayed for was fear.  Dad said, "I feel like God is telling me to pray for people struggling with fear.  If you are burdened by a spirit of fear please come and let your pastors pray for you."  I went to the front and kneeled next to others who battle anxiety.  Dad prayed over us that God would deliver us from that spirit of fear, and that we would be freed to live a life of purpose.

I haven't been able to shake that prayer.  I've felt the Holy Spirit drawing my mind back to that prayer over and over again.



Also this spring, I had terrible asthma and allergy trouble.  One afternoon in June, after a particularly scary asthma incident, I realized why the albuterol wasn't working.  I was having a panic attack!

I always thought panic attacks were for attention-seekers and those with post-traumatic stress disorder, but there I was laying on the floor (so I wouldn't hurt myself if I passed out) and praying for help, when it hit me!

I believe God helped me put the pieces together.  I started thinking about the moments before these asthma attacks and I realized that they were almost all preceded by worry over our circumstances.   I had asthma and allergy problems too, but they were made worse by anxiety.

God's been working on me all summer in the area of faith vs. fear.  Earlier this week I woke up with the last verse of the old hymn "Love Lifted Me" on my mind.

And I didn't think much of it.  It's not uncommon for me to find myself singing a song I haven't even thought about in 20 years.  But then I thought about the words.  I thought about how an asthma attack feels: helpless to catch my breath, the feeling of gasping for air.  I thought about the words to the old hymn and envisioned struggling in the thrashing waves and choking on icy water of a raging sea.  I saw the storm with new clarity; it was the pain and chaos of a fearful mind.

I remembered the story of Jesus and the disciples on the Sea of Galilee.  A powerful storm ravaged their small boat (while Jesus slept) and everyone else on board was afraid for their lives.  When they woke up Jesus He was very angry at their lack of faith.  He yelled at the storm and scolded his men.  I thought about what Jesus would say to me as He looked down and saw me floundering in the ocean of my own fear.  My heart broke for my faithlessness.

But then I thought about the words of the song again.  "He's the master of the sea, billows His will obey.  He your Savior wants to be.  Be saved today!"                                                                                                                                          I can't calm the waves.  I can't make the storm go away.  I can't break the spirit of fear the grips me. And that's because I'M NOT THE SAVIOR!  I can't provide for myself a trouble-free life. But I can let the troubles be God's problem and trust Him to author a GOOD life's story for me.  I can trust Him to care for the things I need, just as he does the lilies of the field and the birds of the air.  

     “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how       they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his         glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so             wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire         tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little               faith? “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What       will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of         unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs."             Matthew 6:28-32

I felt convicted to fast that day for deliverance from a spirit of fear.  I tried to shake off the feeling, but, two bites into my yogurt, I had to put the spoon down.

In my prayer and Bible reading time I asked the Lord to deliver me.  I prayed that He would give me the faith I need to trust Him and to quit trying to manage things myself.  As I fought in prayer the Lord began to bring resolution and hope to some of the things I'd been struggling with.  No kidding!  I mean I was praying and my phone was BLOWING UP!  Emails, phone calls, text message, etc. I got an email asking me to participate in a phone interview, and calls, emails and texts about people wanting to rent the house.  I was overwhelmed with joy when my prayer time was over and I checked my phone.  I couldn't believe the outpouring of the Holy Spirit in bringing these good things at the SAME TIME I laid my burdens down.  WOW!

To add to the lesson on fear and faith, the worship songs I planned and sermons Dad and Dave wrote were about fear!  I know God has a singular message for me right now: have faith, not fear.  Have trust, not anxiety.  Have peace, not panic.

I'm working very hard to learn this lesson.  It's a moment by moment struggle, but I know my God is bigger than life's storms.  And I am OVERJOYED when I think of how showed me love and mercy this week.  I hope to one day experience deliverance from a spirit of fear.

When I couldn't breath, "Love Lifted Me"!

Celebrating Life... 2 Birthdays at a Time

This is re-posted from my sister-in-law's blog, http://carpentersthree.blogspot.com.  

The pictures are from the birthday party we had for my nephew Bobby (who turned 1) and my grandma (who turned 80).  What a great span of years!  I love the pic of me holding Bobby while he dives in face-first!

Birthday Cake!

Bobby turns a year old on Wednesday, May 8th. We celebrated a little early with a cake made by Aunt Hez. He didn't want to get his fingers dirty and didn't like touching it, but as soon as Aunt Becky looked away, the boy dove in face first! I love the picture progression!

 

Thanks for a beautiful cake, Hez! I loved it!!

Not Forgotten

I'm feeling forgotten lately.

I realized this as Brett and I were praying together before we went to sleep last night.  It dawned on me when I heard myself pray, "Lord, please show us that You haven't forgotten about us.  Please help us see and understand that You are hearing our prayers."

Now, I know that God hears.  I also know that He doesn't do things my way or on my timing.  However, he has put certain desires on my heart and when years go by and prayers are unanswered it begins to feel like I'm being ignored or have been forgotten.

Last night I read Psalm 147 for my devotions and I am reminded that God does hear and He does care. The words of this Psalm came back to me as I was trying to go to sleep.

Thanks, Lord.  You spoke to me before I knew I needed these words.

Psalm 145 (NLV)

¹ I will exalt you, my God and King,
    and praise your name forever and ever.
² I will praise you every day;
    yes, I will praise you forever.
³ Great is the Lord! He is most worthy of praise!
    No one can measure his greatness.

⁴ Let each generation tell its children of your mighty acts;
    let them proclaim your power.
⁵ I will meditate on your majestic, glorious splendor
    and your wonderful miracles.
⁶ Your awe-inspiring deeds will be on every tongue;
    I will proclaim your greatness.
⁷ Everyone will share the story of your wonderful goodness;
    they will sing with joy about your righteousness.

⁸ The Lord is merciful and compassionate,
    slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
⁹ The Lord is good to everyone.
    He showers compassion on all his creation.
¹⁰ All of your works will thank you, Lord,
    and your faithful followers will praise you.
¹¹ They will speak of the glory of your kingdom;
    they will give examples of your power.
¹² They will tell about your mighty deeds
    and about the majesty and glory of your reign.
¹³ For your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom.
    You rule throughout all generations.

The Lord always keeps his promises;
    he is gracious in all he does.
¹⁴ The Lord helps the fallen
    and lifts those bent beneath their loads.
¹⁵ The eyes of all look to you in hope;
    you give them their food as they need it.
¹⁶ When you open your hand,
    you satisfy the hunger and thirst of every living thing.
¹⁷ The Lord is righteous in everything he does;
    he is filled with kindness.
¹⁸ The Lord is close to all who call on him,
    yes, to all who call on him in truth.
¹⁹ He grants the desires of those who fear him;
    he hears their cries for help and rescues them.
²⁰ The Lord protects all those who love him,
    but he destroys the wicked.

²¹ I will praise the Lord,
    and may everyone on earth bless his holy name
    forever and ever.

2 Timothy 1:7

God always knows what I need to hear.  Today I'm praying because I fear the future.  I'm anxious and frustrated over the fact that there are so many things that I can't control.  There are many good things, even promises that I believe God has given us and yet we are still stuck with this house, still no job for Brett, still can't get out of debt, still stretched between 2 communities.  I thought last summer was it.  I thought we were done with the commute and things would wrap up quickly, but it didn't happen.  I thought Brett finally had a good job and it's gone.  I thought the calling we feel to our church was what God was using to move us in that direction but then why aren't we moving?  I'm tired of feeling this way.  I'm tired or repenting for feeling this way.  I was walking down the hall after my classes left for the day and praying about my bad attitude.  When I got back to my room and checked my computer guess what the verse of the day is?  Yep.  1 Tim. 1:7.  

My paraphrase: "Did God make you to be a whiney, self-absorbed baby?  Heck no!  He made to be able to receive and employ his energy, heart, and sticktoitiveness."

Ok, Lord.  Sorry.  Please help me do better.

"Made To Crave" was Made for Me

I'm reading a book called Made To Crave, by Lysa TerKeurst.  

This book addresses reasons why we crave food and the spiritual implications of what happens when we give in.  I'm on chapter six right now and I've pretty much highlighted the entire chapter.  I decided to add some of my favorite quotes from the book here.  I hope to remember these principals and start putting them into practice.  I don't have page numbers to credit because I'm reading it on my Kindle, 

but all of these quotes come from chapter 6.

Growing closer to God has a whole lot less to do with any action we might take and a whole lot more to do with positioning our hearts toward His. (22%)

Pursuing self-control does help my heart feel closer to Jesus and more pure to receive what He wants for me each day... instead of clogged with guilty feelings for my poor choices.  (23%)

When food is what Satan holds up in front of us and says, "You'll never be free from this battle.  You will always bounce from feeling deprived when you're dieting to feeling guilty when you're splurging.  Victory isn't possible.  You aren't capable of self-control with food," we must see that it's inappropriate consummation can be [Satan's] lure to draw our hearts into a place of defeat.  (23%)

Don't think physical food can satisfy the longing of your soul.  Only Jesus can do this.  Our souls were created to crave Him...  There are many people waiting to hear the message of your calling.  Don't get stuck in defeat and held back from it.  (25%)

    "Food can fill our stomachs but never our souls.  Possessions can fill our houses but never our hearts.  Sex can fill our nights but never our hunger for love.  Children can fill our days but never our identities.  

    Jesus wants us to know only He can fill us and truly satisfy us...   Only by being filled with authentic soul food from Jesus - following Him and telling others about Him - will our souls ever be truly satisfied.  And breaking free from consuming thoughts about food allows us to see and pursue our calling with more confidence and clarity." (25%)

If we find that certain foods are impossible to walk away from - we can't or won't deny ourselves an unhealthy choice in order to make a healthier choice- then it's a clue we are being ruled by this food on some level.  Being ruled by something other than God diminishes our commitment and will make us feel increasingly distant from Him...  I don't want to live resistant to the power Christ's death and resurrection provides for me just because I can't walk away from my unhealthy cravings.  (26%)

I am struck by the truths in these quotes which speak to our calling in Christ Jesus to be salt and light to the world.  I have never thought of my issues with food as blocking me from fulfilling my purpose.  I can see though that anything that consumes my time, effort, and attention other than God is sin.  And sin separates me from God.  Very sobering thoughts.

I am blown away by how many elements God has brought into my life over the last few months that are shaping and instructing my health goals and motivation.  This book is another big piece of the puzzle.  It makes me think about this area of my life in light of the truths of the Bible.  Just like the Couch to 5K app trains me to run a physical race, insights from scripture and verses to memorize are training me to run The Race for the long-haul, not just in this season of losing weight.  

Coming soon... a page on this blog dedicated to the scripture verses I'm going to be memorizing.  Some I've been reminded of in this book and others I've studied in my quiet times lately. 

I Put My Blue Jeans On

"I put my blue jeans on, I put my old blue jeans on." --Keith Urban

I have a pair of jeans that I love.  They're the kind of jeans you always hope you'll find when you go jean shopping. They fit my curves perfectly, they are the right length to wear with any height heel I want, and the color works with dark and light outfits.

There is only one major flaw with these jeans.  They're too small.  They haven't fit me in years to be honest. When I tried them on in November I couldn't pull them up past my hips.  Last month's try-on was a small victory.  I got them on, albeit with difficulty, and they buttoned!

Today was my month 3 try-on and they're still not wearable, BUT they looked better than last month.  I can see my belly-button this month!  That means the muffin-top has gotten smaller.

I'm going to post a picture every month until I can rock these jeans.  I want to be able to wear them well and then have to move on to a new goal pair.  Below I have posted a picture of my month 3 try-on as well as some other achievements I'm celebrating this month.

Don't scroll down if you're squeamish...

Goal Jeans- Month 3

Small victories 

...are adding up and are very motivational for me. 

In month number two I lost 1.75 inches off my hips, I retired 

three pairs pants, and a favorite tank top.  

Oh, and I've lost lost 7.5 lbs.  

Total weight loss since April 2012 is 32 lbs.!  

Praise the Lord!